people & hope .. right ..

Second day into the fasting month, end of the week – right about now all I want to be away from every one else. It’s the toughest thing to acknowledge that people will always disappoint you and the ones who will always bring the worst out in your are the ones closest to you. Today was a very very very long day for me – if I could have taken the day off I would. It’s tough to keep up with the smiles and laughter knowing that your sincerity and honesty has been compromised. I try to think of it as test and try to find the silver lining out of it but I can’t seem to find it. It seems that any form of disappointment can be found. I hate to admit it but sometimes I think I have lost my hope in people – its probably the wrong thing to say but seeing all that’s happened lately I don’t think I have much of a choice.

Honestly I don’t get it. I try to live a good life, be nice to everyone else yet this gets slapped on me for what reason I don’t know. Maybe I think if we are mean to others or hurt them than maybe we would be happier I guess for some people that’s what they do best. Until a while ago, people and hope haven’t been two of my very favorite things. I guess for a lot of the times they offer the same amount of disappointment. They are so interlinked – I don’t think if one could work without the other.

As I sit and write this, it feels like how it was a few months back when all there was around me was people disappointing you after another and brought our the worst in me and that was the time I stayed away from everyone else. Closed my blog and pack up and chose to stay offline – I think it was much safer then I know I wouldn’t be vulnerable to whatever it is that life throws at me. In light of recent weeks I just I had stayed away – I would have been happier than and not as upset as I am now.

This coming from the girl who believes in butterflies and wildflowers spreading her wings and fly is rather strange because she had always been a free spirit but it seems this free spirit have been jaded by the lies of life lies of people of how people are not always who they seem and as much as I love my family there seem to be one person I cant see eye to eye with ever it seems and today she reminded me again why. So between that and the blows I’ve been dealt with I think my reason for whining bitching and moaning in this blog is valid whatever its call I don’t care.

And as I write this I think about the people on the Indonesian island of Sumatra who in two has been hit by three earthquakes who am I to complain about my own life right? But I fee every situation is different and yes we feel compassion and think that life isn’t so bad after all but then you question why on an island which is pre dominantly Muslim these people are hit by the toughest trial yet – triple earthquakes the first to start on the first day of Ramadan. Haven’t they suffered enough?

When I faced with something like this, I would try and make myself feel better by looking at the world around me and finding bits and pieces of peoples lives who have gone through a situation where hope and people have been major destructors but today I cant seem to care very much and that’s really not like me but you know what sometimes its fine not to care because the way I see it if people don’t care about you well you know the rest – I know what some people are thinking quit being a brat quit whining or feeling sorry for yourself my answer is – you dont know how a person feels till you walk in his shoes in this case her shoes.

Even with that it doesn’t change how I feel about hope or people on the whole. Don’t get me wrong there are some real great people and friends but I guess seeing how I feel right now what I can see are the ones whose been my constant source of tears and heartache. Ones who have given me hope and ripping it away right from under me. It took me sometime to make sense of it all when it happened, I am not really sure how I am going to figure this out one but till then I will just be ….

So seriously I end my blog with tons of wonderings would I get past this? Will I ever trust anyone every again? Have hope in anyone ever again? You know at a time like this I usually have ‘C” to put me in my place and make me see things but I guess that’s gone too – great huh.

So I turn to God and ask – is this Your test for me during Ramadan? People and hope? will I ever trust again? Believe what people say again? Give people the benefit of the doubt again? Give my heart away ever again? Have faith in people? Will I be the iffa I was enjoying being these past few weeks? Will I be as strong or wither like the wildflowers in winter? And if its not too much trouble I could do with a little help ..