a day at the beach brings beauty & insight ..

I spent much of my day yesterday at the beach today starting off early morning after a bad dream I had the night before. I woke up startled, feeling afraid as if I lost something – there was this heavy feeling in my chest I cried out and I just cried. I couldn’t go back to sleep – it seem too real. It was about lost – losing someone, they were they watching – it was “C”. I could feel him there – and suddenly I woke up – maybe it was the alarm I don’t know but I couldn’t get back to sleep so I thought I would make a trip to the beach to make sense of it all. Sometimes I wonder what its all about or what could have triggered it – maybe it’s the news of Ann’s husband being in the hospital, the Simpson’s movie i watched just before bed or all the loss that I have been experiencing in my life of the people that I care & love … I don’t know but I am glad its just a dream & when the alarm went off at six am as afraid as I was I am glad I was woken up.

The day at he beach was nice. It wasn’t like usual but more chilly – chilly beach weather on a tropical isle weird huh … I guess the rain & wind in recent days could be blamed for that. But the beauty of the water, the smell of the sea is the same and that’s what I was there for. To be in one with the ocean – looking beyond the shores, taking deep breathes and clearing my mind. I love the sea breeze against my face, the feel of the sand on my feet in between my toes.. Sheer bliss. Looking out at ships from all over wonder where they are headed next, if they leave family lovers as they embark on a journey to another place….

The beach the ocean all of natures wonders which is very close to my heart. Maybe it was because I was introduced to the ocean as a kid – having my parents take me there every weekend or maybe because I am a Pieces – whichever it is – I am glad because I don’t think I could ever be separated from water – be it the ocean the lake the rivers – water a sense of renewal and overflowing joy ..

My day brought me to thoughts of the things I am still struggling to deal with in my life. I think in a period of two months I have experienced two loses – loses of people whom I love and are very dear to me. I saw little children playing at the beach building sandcastles & swimming – testing the waters to see if its cold, running to their moms for a drink then back into the water – it reminded me of my cousin Omar. My sweet cousin Omar. I haven’t really gotten over his death and I guess that’s why writing his tribute is tough. Its hanging in between blogs – maybe I should just spend one day and really try and focus and write about him no matter how hard it is – I am hoping this will give me closure but seeing how I never talked about his death, I would think that would be hard. I usually handle deaths pretty well but his its just tougher than I thought, then again it is his death that brought so much changes to me in many aspects of my life…

No one like loss especially when its someone you love with all your heart – who has given a broader perspective on life and let you experience more than you could ever imagine and its almost scary if you lost the one who knows you so well, reads you like a book, knows what you’re thinking and what makes you think because you wonder if you would every find another them or another person who will understand you and your idiosyncrasies or accept you for that matter. Two losses in such a short time can do a lot to a person but I am thankful for my friends and the special people God has brought into my lives in recent weeks. I never expected it but I am never the less thankful but thoughts of the one who left still lingers on – and who knows for how long on. I tell myself to take it one day at a time and that’s just what I am doing and hoping that one day everything will be ok. Time heals memories remain so we shall see…

While at the beach I penned my thoughts and read a book I have used as a means of motivation and uplifting. Its called ‘The Invitation’ by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. It’s a book that prompts you inspires you to live a more deep honest and passionate live. I have had this book for a while and every once in a while I like to pick different topics and read and write little notes about them. Today I opened to the page on beauty and the invitation read ……..

I want to know if you can see beauty

even when it’s not pretty

every day …

and if you can source your own life

from its presence

What is beauty really, it’s said is skin deep but is it really seeing how the world measures beauty. I love the example given by the writer about Sara & Mitch how they bring out each others beauty in the love they have for each other. How they see the beauty in each other and how they multiply over and over. The invitation is a few pages but I will share bits and pieces of it – and if it appeals to the masses, then one should get the book …

‘Sara recognizes the beauty this man brings her, and she is willing and able to receive it, to let it renew and rejuvenate her. And as she does, the beauty is multiplied. Mitch fully received, feels something of his own beauty and has more to give.

Sounds simple enough, and it is. But what is simple is not always easy. Sometimes, in our familiarity with the beauty of the landscape of our daily lives, we fail to see it, we forget to really take it in, we neglect to express our appreciation and really let it feed us.

The Navaho have a prayer:

May I walk with Beauty before me.

May I walk with Beauty behind me.

May I walk with Beauty above me.

May I walk with Beauty below me.

May I walk with Beauty all around me.

As I walk the Beauty way.

What is this beauty that the Navaho seek? It is what pulls us towards life. It is what calls to us when we feel despair, seduces us into opening again and again to the possibility of love and laughter. It is the physical manifestation of the Mystery – God, Spirit, the Divine – that surrounds and beckons us everyday of our lives. It is life that chooses life. The Navaho prayer expresses our souls’ desire to recognize and receive beauty.

I want to learn to be here fully, in this body in this world. And I want to live in a world infused with the power of the erotic – physical sensation, inseparable from heart and soul that calls us to live. When we live erotically, the meaning enfolded in our very cells is unfolded as we touch and are touched. This is beauty.

Seeing beauty is not about narrowing our vision, designating only some of its manifestations as worthy. It means expanding our definition of beauty, suspending our judgments and appreciating both the quiet joy of riding a bicycle along the lake and the raunchy glee of driving a cherry-red sports car that hugs the open highway. It means accepting the truth of being a middle-aged woman as it is reflected in both the lines and sagging muscles of my face and belly and the shine of my eyes.

Seeing beauty is about broadening our ability to recognize the interconnect ness of all manifestations of life and delighting in how the smells and sounds and tastes and sights that surrounds us conspire to draw us toward living fully. I want to touch the power of life-giving moisture and recognize the smell of the sea where it caresses the shore in the scent of my sweat, in the salt of my tears, in the slippery wetness that pours from between my soft thighs when I am well loved. I want to focus on my fingertips, on the shape and weight of my hand, on blood and bone and thousand nerve endings, as I raise an apple to my mouth, let the tip of my tongue slide on the round, smooth firmness of the cool surface, and feel the spray of juice just as my teeth pierce the skin and enter the crisp flesh inside. I want to taste the weeks of rain and sun, ripening on the tree, the labor of the farmer and the fruit picker, the journey of the men and women who bring fruit from grove to table. I want to receive the beauty that reminds that there is no separation – that each act I live while I am fully awake cannot help but be both prayer & lovemaking.

Profound deep & intense. Something to think about isn’t it.. Now how do you see beauty now? And so a day of scary dreams, deep thoughts, and intense reading I am a happy camper. Recharged and ready to see what life throws me today tomorrow or whenever. Journals, books and an environment that offers endless beauty what more could a girl ask for? …….

Nites world .