Six Months through it all ..

.....six months ago - on this date i met someone online who would change my life forever... My pespectives, my personal well being. He opened me to a world i never thought existed. He opened his heart his life his soul. in him i found the man that i thought only existed in my dreams.... Why we met and why things transpired after that i will never know but one thing i do know that things would never be the same again at least according to him ...

on an early october morning of the 25th i received a message from a soldier in iraq.... little did i know how much of a transformation my life was going to take..... Never have i met a man with such sensitivity, someone who can pick up , one who sees me , reads me, feels me ... A man whose tough exterior gives way to a sweet sensitive gentle interior ...

i would liken my connection to him like someones experience with a spacepen and i am quoting him on the spacepen experience. that once you have used it no other pen would do and i would say in him i found everything and no one would even come close as dramatic as that may sound.......... crazy i know especially when its someone you have never met ..... This is one of lifes little mysteries....

there is so much to write but i am a little out of it .. you have a zillion things going through your mind and you really dont know what to tackle first... you have questions, your have your emotions going into a million diffrent directions.. sometimes its zombie like sometimes it numbs you ....

i know i miss him everyday .. what short time i get to talk to him i am very thankful for... its like better to have that short a time than none at all ... soon it seems that would be it and i am dreading it .... i am happy when he gets back in the next few weeks or so - he would get the chance to do what he has been planning , be with his family and friends and what not and of course safe too .. then he faces the challenges that comes with that and i can only pray for him from a distance .......

i wrote entry on the things i miss about and its always the little things that makes up the bulk of it .. I figured i would just include it here since i never posted that entry .... i miss his voice.. the first time i heard i was giggly like a school good. he sounded so good .. sexy southern accent.. i didnt get that much of a chance probably because of the connection but the one time he recorded his voice that stays fresh in my mind.. Some things that i miss may seem silly but its means something .. tucking him in at night, role playing which we both enjoy doing, i remembered when he took me on a little 'trip' to places i have always wanted to go how real how magical he made it to be ... i miss his tenderness - how sweet ,'soft spoken' he was .. he pays attention to details and he takes that extra effort to make the moment special.. i miss the little things that he does...

i miss the dots, the circles (our little secret).... i miss him sharing his day .. opening up to me how he is feeling how things were in the day .. the stories he usually shares about his day .... something i look forward too everyday. i miss the pictures that he shares and the story each picture told. i miss pictures of sunsets i miss pictures of him though i have a lot of it .. its just nice to see him his diffrent looks and expressions .. his smile ... i miss his smile so much ..... sweetness in the desert ... i also miss his xoxo - his signature hugs & kisses. I miss sharing music with him ....I miss his no reason emails . i miss being he looks forward to talking to everyday and most of all i miss being his best friend... i miss him calling me sugar honey makes me feel good really ... ... i just miss having him around alot of the time ... selfish i know but he has a way about him ..

we chat on yahoo... i miss the knock on yahoo showing that he is online. i miss seing his name on my messenger and the messages he has next to his id ..... i miss being on his messenger. for someone who dont understand it it may all seem like no big deal but it is for me .... i look forward to talking to him everyday seeing him online but these days i dont know if he is there or not. i just rely on my guts i guess. I wish he would look for me sometime and message me ... i miss talking to him for hours everyday - i have had the time of my life with him ....

i have said before and i will say it again .. it is always the little things ....

with the turn that everything took i blame my self for all thats happened between us .. i guess i will have to pay for it for the rest of my life... i know that inspite of all thats happened ... the exchanges & what not nothings changed in my heart i love him no doubt about that .. My mind is always filled with thoughts and images of him... sometimes i picture in after a day in the field all dusty - thanks to the dessert sand ... just walking looking all rugged... these little images makes me smile ... at least i have these ltitle things to hold on too.. because at this point i dont know much and i seriously dont know what to do ...

sometimes it seems what you really know , what you believe is really what is in your heart... the love the emotions ...................... these days everyday is a constant wondering .... wonder wonder wonder ....