Rambles at 3am ... again

Its 3am & sleep isnt a friend of mine. If i was in bed right now i would probably be tossing & turning & staring up at the ceiling so i figured lets just stay up and see where my mind takes me. I decided to check out this blog (yes this groovy island girl) blog which seem to have been neglected. I remember back in the day when i use to blog to my hearts content - late into the night. Back then i had an audience someone who loved to read what i wrote. I remember sometimes making him laugh making him go ahh and sometimes i would get some comments from him. In all honesty i started my blog because of him - maybe i guess he had that profound impact on my life, but these days he seem to have disappeared gone - sometimes i wonder what went wrong but i have an idea.

Dont you just hate it when someone leaves without telling you why? Oh well thats another story ..

I actually miss blogging. I miss the familiar. I miss all the things i use to do. Not that my life is not great right now, i am doing things i never thought id do (that is sometimes good & sometimes bad) anyways .. I have grown up in the last few years especially with all thats been hurled at me but it hasnt killed my spirit, it had made it duck for a little while but it came even stronger & more empowered and confident. Its always nice to play the rescuer, to rescue people from their heart ache and like i told a friend if i had gold dust i would use to make the pain of people i care about go away heck while im at it i might as well make the pain of the whole world go away (wishing thinking i know but sometimes it doesnt hurt to dream to hope)..

Writing has always been my passion be it through journals & blogs. But it seems a few years when life got a little overwhelming, i seem to stop. How could the one thing that kept my insanity in check be the same thing that i stopped doing. Maybe I lost a zest for life maybe things happen just so many maybes. Everytime i come up with an idea to write, it just works in my head and little scraps of paper or post its then i just leave them as it is. Trust me when i say there are tons of pieces of paper with ideas that i have been meaning to blog about but never got around too.

Sometimes i attribute my lack of writing to the fact that I have lost people who mattered in my life. These are the people who believed in me and saw me for who i really was. They were the people i could turn too & in not so many words they are able to comfort me put me at ease. These were the same people who gave me something to look forward too, made my life interesting and then there were those who strengthened my faith in my self & gave me confidence. It may have not happened over night but a few years down that road i see that i have taken much of what they have taught me and it has made me who i am today.

My late grandmother has been my source of comfort for a very longtime. I looked forward to seeing her in Malaysia & listening to her stories or just lay next to her holding her hand. I miss the little kisses i get from her and the forcible I love You's. I would tell her I love you baba and she would say I love you too then she would giggle. Its these moments that made life a lot easier. You knew that no matter what happened in your life this was the one person you could turn too & who wont disappoint. Speaking of which i think another reason why i stopped doing the things i loved was because of the disappoints that i have faced. It seem to be strings of it. Coupled with loss you get an island girl on the verge of destruction but that was sometime ago. I seem to be more in control of things though that void that still resides in me still lingers.

Im just rambling & i am seriously getting tired now. All i can think of right now are picnics at the park, flying a kite down by the marina barrage & of a very special person whom i was lucky enough to have established a friendship who in recent days have been my source of laughter & smiles, you could call it something to look forward too but thats another story for another day ..

It actualy feels good to do things spontaneously. Today i let my fingers & my mind do the walking and i came up with this little entry. It does feel good as heavy as my lids are. Much of what i wrote may not have made sense but for me its sort of help me get certain things of my mind.. hmm who knows i might want to do this again ... till i do nite nite world .. :)