reflections of may ..

the end of another month ... another eventful month in the pages of my life.. love , family , world all had.. more drama mama lol .. not in my personal life but rather in my family in general .. i would say thats called living huh .... but it has a little to do with my personal life when friends are concerned ... Today i wonder if my so called close friend is really that .... . They seem to be outposts of disappoinments these days - its funny how they seem to' avoid ' you - your calls your text messages .... when you in the need of their help and them. I guess you know or what kind of friends you have when you in a tight situation and you need them .. so much for that .........

the end of another month ...... ahh yes more pages in my unwritten life ... love, people, family , world .... . I have had some bad moments in my life but i am not about to complain .. i live in a peaceful country - i have a roof over my head and family members and friends well .......umm anyways .... The people in central Java are not quiet so lucky .. The earth quake that hit just before sunrise caused so much devastation 7 destruction .... They have lost their homes, livelihood, family members, some are injured - some who lost limbs... but all scarred for life.. The scene is devastating - we watch and we feel for them yet i am sure we cannot even begin to imagine what they are going through .... having to pick up the pieces and rebuild their lives all over again ... dealing with the lost - accepting what mother nature has unleased ....

Sometimes i feel we cant complain or shouldnt if our day dont seem to be going bad - but i guess in spite of it all we are only human and as much as we how much more harder others have it we tend to forget about it and bitch about our own misfonrtunes - but i am sure we live andlearn and take the experirnces of others as a lesson in appreciating and being thankful ... maybe after this we will our bad days in a whole new light ... because these people from central java will be having days for a long while ....

We dont know what the next six months has in store for us ..... we can hope for the best - a better one for all of us .... our family, our friends, our family , people we care about .....As for the people in central Java , i hope and pray that God gives them strength and courage during this time .. help them protect them as they struggle with fending for their basic needs and rebuild their lives .......

How Fear Blocks Creativity

Could this be the answer to my constant lack of creativity and mental blocks? An interesting read and it even offers a solution to the problem ... Time to bring back the creativity .....


Click here --> DailyOM - How Fear Blocks Creativity

sorta ....

The past two weeks "c' was here - but today he is not. I just figured maybe he would be here on 3 Tuesdays in a row i guess it was just wishful thinking on my part....*Sigh* .. i do wonder where he is , if he is ok the usual stuff. Maybe he has moved to a new place with no internet access- maybe this maybe that .. Things seem to be instensying in Iraq according to the media but who knows how bad it is unless you are in there and i have no idea where in Iraq he is .. I am trying to keep a clear mind - clear head - think positive .. He said i was less stressed he would be extra careful - well i am sorta less stressed and i hope he is keeping extra safe ..
i guess feelings fail you sometimes ..... or maybe its because you want them to be online and you wish for that ... sometimes well you just cant explain some things ... and maybe sometime in the near future an answer would be at your disposal till then its all speculations...............

....... hope he is keeping safe ...

.. and the vacations officially starts ...

the first semester school holidays - 30 days of no kids whooopie heehee though i will definitely miss the kids.... my last long vacation in dec last year was something i enjoyed a whole lot ..... what was grand about it was the presence of someone very dear to me - how i was opened to a whole new world , taken on adventures and what not... I would say it was better than a vacation .... I am hoping it would be just as grand this vacation but i just dont know ... maybe just maybe he would be around again .....

27th may .. the vacation officially starts whoopieeeeeeee.. i dont have much planned but i think i would be doing some of the following .......(maybe) ...

• update my blog. update my blog.update my blog
• visit grandma. spend time with her.(a must)
• run. excercise. get in shape.
• clean.clean.clean.
• catch up on my reading.
• prepare eveluation n work related matters for next semester (so much for a non work related vacation)
• write.write.write.
• figure things out.
• tend to my garden.
• take a short vacation.
• spend time at the beach.

thats all i can think off for now .....

When Worry Becomes A Prayer

fear takes over our mind and being sometimes and all we are left with are negativity - thinking of only the bad things that will happen - i never realized that could actually lead it to be a prayer - i guess thats the power of the mind - u think good , positive things happen and vice versa...... This article is interesting concerning this. So think positive thoughts no matter how tougt it can be sometimes....


Click this Link : - DailyOM - When Worry Becomes A Prayer

brief moment again ...

That brief moment in time again .. I felt he was online again - and yay he was ..... sometimes these feelings of him being there without me seeing him online or him sending me a message first is hard to explain ... - but its just there .. freaky i know .. scary too ..

i was all smiles when 'c' was here , he seem fine / happy - giggly and what not just one of the ways i like him - he seems to be an all round happy person and i love that about him in spite of what he has to deal with on a daily basis and all that he has gone through but a person can always hide it behind the smiles the laughter and the jokes and it is the same with him ..... he donest know howmuch i read him - to him i dont but sometimes he underestimates my undestanding of him but its ok though .....

i hope i see him before i leave for cousins house next week or so ... i know id miss him bunches even more - dont even know if id have the internet while im there but none the less i still hope i see him again after today .. even for a brief moment - these moments are enough to give me a pick me up until the next time i see him heehee .....

the most important for me i think when i see him online and gets a message from him is knowing that he is doing ok seeing how things are getting worst iraq - i worry duh lol .... seeing him lets me know he is ok .. sometimes i wonder if he even knows how much i care about him .. i know that even if he is hurt he would never tell me - cos he wnow i would worry - i am such the worry bug ... heh heh

when ....

..........i miss your adventures all the stories you tell
i miss your smile and all the calm you bring
i miss your humour and your charming ways
i miss you today more today than i did yesterday ..
and wonder when again will i see you if only for a moment ...
would i be lucky enough or ..
another week - two more weeks is that the time i have to wait
to see the one whose presence brings a smile to this face .........
whose presence makes everyday more liveable ......

Cacao theobroma

chocolate heaven .. for chocolate lovers.. tantazlizing recipes .... ummm chocolate ....

click on the link below for yummy chocolate recipes ......

foodgeeks.com: Chocolate

Breathing Space

beautiful pictures .... takes you away for a while ........

Click here ...........
Breathing Space

lactose or not ..........

.... my worst enemy apart from myself would be milk - ahh yes the stuff that good things are made of or not. your calcium base drink that keeps your bones and teeth strong, helps you sleep, etc etc etc ... wish it was my friend too heheee... the lactose in the milk just kills it for me .... my lactose intolerant world ... i can enjoy cakes that has milk , i can even enjoy cheese and ice cream but when it comes from milk in its natural form it just makes me sick .. maybe i am just weird ....

but anyways ......

i tried risking it with milk today ............. standing at the counter @ starbucks i knew i was not in the mood for cofffee rather soy latte ( thats a first for me ....... ) . wanted something milder more relaxing and green tea suddenly sounded so appealing .. Starbucks makes a mean green tea frap - the color is so inviting and top it off with whipped cream ahhhhhhh bliss ....... the only thing that sucks about this is the low fat milk content that they use grrrrrrrrrrrrr........ just my luck so i thought ....... the barrista was patient enough ( it pays to be a regular tee hee...) so in the end i told him lets risk it ... give me one of those .... and one of them green tea frap did i order...

i actually survived it for a little while .... lol or so i thought lol i got a little sick after that but not as bad as when i drink a grande latte .... but i got the great taste of green tea maybe thats all that matters as crazy as that may seem ...... its back to soy latte for me .................. for now ......

A Brief Moment

YOu get a brief moment and you cherish as if its your last moment with them .. because you dont know if or when you will see them again. That such is life....... or not.... One brief moment....... of how are you's, of im sorry when there could be so much more to say but due to time constrain that is all we can say ...... yet in the mind and in the heart there is so much more to say bu its just hard to get everything down in words and all we are left to go with are the dots ....................................................................... the dots that say nothing but means something.....

Feelings emotions ..... sometimes i think if you feel something strongly enough for someone you can sense a lot of things... coincidence or whatever you call it i dont know. But sometimes a feeling, a thought can bring about so much...... Admists playing tetris, i suddenly felt 'c' being around and something prompted me to say something to him - then lo and behold i got a message... dont know what to call it but it happened ... like i said maybe if you felt so much for someone something like that is bound to happen .....

He is on a big base somewhere on God forsaken land.... and its good to see him - again he is doing ok for now and till next time its back to thinking praying and hoping that everything will be ok with him .................

Prior to today emotions and thoughts were more intense and its got nothing to do with the moon or pms heheee..... You yearn and long for someone - and the whole not knowing in that big somewhere out there... and in your heart you wish unconsisouly for an answer to your question ... and you finally get it ......if only for a brief moment .....

In that brief moment you realize you hold back on the important words .... like i love you .........

Today was many dots day ....................... .................. many many many dots ..............

Somewhere out there ...

when all you can do is wonder about that person way somewhere out there... ..... i wonder where i wonder how ... the mind raises many questions ...... i think the worst thing right now is not knowing anything .... being in the dark .. the speculations .. the everythings .... things that were said pop in your head ... the times you had ... ...the heart aches ... you go about life a day at a time not knowing if and when you will talk to that person again .. it seems like forever right now and the feeling isnt going away that is for sure ... you miss more .. i wait .. for a note a message an email .. just to get the know ...... its been 12 days or 13 if i counted the brief few minutes and the last time i talked to him midnight of may 2nd .... ......

all i can envision him out in the desert, somewhere out there doing what he does best ..... and pray that he is kept safe & protected ....................

thinking .... thinking ... thinking .....

the dreams dont stop ..... ive had dreams of him alot .. he doesnt say anything in the dream ... he is just there watching .... his presence offers a kind of peace in my dreams ..... hispresence is so real ... i guess the sad thing is to wake up knowing it was all just a dream .....

Always on Your Side

...Parts of this song hits home ........ maybe its the whys.....maybe its the current situation.. when i listen to this song it reminds of a certain someone.... of all the things that have happened in the last few months.. the good and the bad ... when things were much nicer simpler ...... in spite of it all i hope he knows that i am always on his side .... no matter what has happened...

Always on Your Side

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
But every now and then you come to mind
Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side
Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
But my demons and my angels reappeared

Leavin' only traces of the man you thought I'd be
Too afraid to hear the words ..'I'd always feel'

Leavin' you with only questions all these years

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be
Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side
But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are we left to wonder, all alone, eternally
But is this how it's really meant to be
No is it how it's really meant to be
Well if they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wondering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side

One Flaw in Women .....

By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime.

An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?" And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -and she will do everything with only two hands.

"The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day.Wait until tomorrow to finish.

""But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days.

"The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.

The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek."Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one.

""That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!"

"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."

The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."

And she is!

Women have strengths that amaze men.

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happyand laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.



Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideas.

They give moral support to their family and friends.

Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

expression tags ..

search engines .. blogs .. basically all have tags or keywords these days ... i find its relatively new for me.. tags help you find things of interest, articles and what not. When you do a search for these tags you come with a whole lot of things ... .. and you take your pick... i just realized that tags / keywords serves a little reminder about moments or things that has happened to us and people who have come into our lives... It triggers an emotion and you mind is filled with it.. this can be from a song .. a word ... i have experienced that quiet a bit lately ...... it all triggers something about "c'...... cool huh ...

typos erros n what not

i think i need a proof reader for my blog - hahaha.... i was re reading everything and realized my spelling n grammatical errors oh lord lol.... too err is human to be careless that would be me - well what can i do when my thoughts work faster than my fingers - ...... hmmm did everything come out correctly this time? ...... i do believe it did .....dont feel like writing today....i think i am losing my groove again .... takes me forever to get my thoughts together ....need to find my muse ....

news of grandma

grandma discharged from the hospital. Dcotors say they cant do anything any more - its best for her to go home. Getting that news at work just bumped me out if not for the little ones. I think sometimes they keep me on my feet .. keep me focus until the day is done ... the magic of little children ..... My grandmother's current situation is that she has a stomach ulcer... she is enduring so much - just breaks your heart thinking about all she is gooing through .. whatever it is she is fighting is .. i can just imagine her talking to her illnesses in her mind telling them its war - i am going to beat at whatever cost ..... thats my grandma fiesty cutie ...

so they brought her back and she is being nursed at home .... my mom sounded distraught i cant blame her it is her mother ... she said how much it pains her just looking at my grandmother that way .. how she cries out in pain , begging for the pain to go away .... :( ..... I hope God keeps my mother strong - she is not as young and she has her own share of pain....

praying for what is right for her yet ... yet a part of me just wants her to be ok - be like she was before... letting her tell us stories about her pass .... Please God help grandma ....

Thalassemia

Today is World Thallesimia Day.. a genetic blood disorder. I have a minor version of it but there people out there who has the major and they have to go for blood transfusions. Being someone who can relate to the effects of thallesiamia and having been diagnosed with i thought id put a link here so people can know about it .... and its world world thallesimia day it would seem appropriate ...

Definition:
Thalassemias are hereditary disorders characterized by defective production of hemoglobin. This leads to low production, and over destruction, of red blood cells.

Alternative Names:
Thalassemia; Mediterranean anemia; Cooley's anemia
Causes, incidence, and risk factors:
Hemoglobin contains two chains, alpha and beta globin. Genetic defects can be inherited that cause imbalances in the production of either chain.

Beta thalassemias are caused by a mutation in the beta globin chain. Genes must be inherited from both parents to acquire the major form of the disease. If one gene is inherited, the person will be a carrier of the disease, but will not have symptoms. (This is the minor form.)

In the major form, children are normal at birth, but develop anemia during the first year of life. Growth failure, bone deformities, and enlarged liver and spleen are some of the problems that can occur. Blood transfusions may modify some of the disease manifestation, but iron overload from the transfusions can cause damage to the heart, liver, and endocrine systems.

The mild form of beta thalassemia produces small red blood cells, with no symptoms. Risk factors include a family history of thalassemia and an ethnic background susceptible to the disease.

Beta thalassemias occur in people of Mediterranean origin, and to a lesser extent, Chinese, other Asians, and blacks

Alpha thalassemias occur most commonly in people from southeast Asia and China, and are caused by deletion of a gene or genes from the globin chain. The most severe form of alpha thalassemia causes a stillborn fetus.


Thalassemia minor

Thalassemia major

where...

Its 3am early monday morning in singapore and all i can see are images of him .. clear .. a serious looking 'C'.. he is leaning againts a wall in his uniform and what not with a serious - non smiling look on his face just looking ... Even when i try not to think about it i see it - when im working on things for work i see it .. it just slowly slides in ....

Right now i am wondering where he is .. what he is doing .. its about 11pm there in Iraq - i wonder how he is doing. Is he safe comfortable .. where is he sleeping .. is he ok .. has he eaten .. just the little things ... when he had internet connection at this time he would be in bed or not ....... Sometimes it feels like somethings missing .... or someone rather... i feel like the mouse in an american tale .. wondering about him in this big somewhere out there. i look at the sky, the stars the moon i think about him. I still think we have a connection after all thats happened .... the little things ...

News out of Iraq are not the greatest but all i have with me now is all about having a little faith & prayer.... you think not seeing the person for a while or being would change how you feel about them ... personally i think not ........ if anything makes the heart grows fonder even if its only mine.. I miss a whole lot and i probably sound like a broken record but oh well .... always wishing he was here and we were talking .....

I should probably head to bed. I dont know why my blog entries are not being posted - maybe its one of those glitches. hope everything comes in tomorrow... well good night world ... see you in a few hours... ...

sunday sun day sunday

Today is not Mother's Day ... my mistake hehee. I could have sworn it was i guess i got my dates wrong ..AGAIN!

Today is the day where the current goverment celebrates their victory in yesterdays general election. They won all but 2 seats in parliment. But i have to admit though the opposition votes actually increased this year even though it wasnt enough for them to win .. but it tells you something. They gave a good fight and some of their proposals are actually really good but i guess thats for the next election ....

Early morning with a head cold ... grrrrrrrrrrrrr.......my mom woke me up ... sick and all .. i just want to sleep more - guess thats not going to happened... spend the morning with the ladies - mom cousin aunt .. had breakfast hung out and talked about things in general which is really nice. i love moments like these - family get together and talk - share their feelings outlooks and what not .... offering support love yadda yadda yadda heehee...we looked at old pictures of us growing up of the family - - it was just really nice. no stress just happy pleasant talking ..... didnt do much ... cleaned did laundry .. .. cleaned. i know i was suppose to be resting but i couldnt .. too wired up the whole day .. if i was not laying down taking a break i would be doing something - its scary i was so wired up ... i tried to sleep take a short nap it didnt work so i hung out with my mom instead.. talked watched tv .. then the call came .. ....

my grandmother's red blood cells wasnt enough so she needed a blood transfusion .. all we could say was what next? She has to endure so much .... :( .... I know my mother is worried but she doesnt show it but she did say that even though she is physically here her heart and mind is with my grandmother - wondering how she is .... contemplating the what ifs...so she is leaving tomorrow back to be with my grandma ....the rest of the day was quiet .. had an hour of the simpsons ..yay!! read some ... wrote for most of the night and listened to tunes...
thinking ... thinking .... what is tomorrow going to bring .....and leaving this day with these thoughts in my mind ...

Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go,
Only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be.

Kekona Anani

this is really cute .. i now officialy have a Hawaiian name ... :) tho i dont know what it means ..

Your Hawaiian Name is:

Kekona Anani

What's your Hawaiian Name?

not quiet mothers day - girls talk into the night...

i am one stuffed turkey hahaha rather stuffed iffa... it was quiet a dinner. Its actually an early Mother;s Day treat for my mom seeing she wont be in town for mother's day next week and she has been wanting to eat at this restaurant for like ages and every time we planned it something seem to come up. poor mom. so finally we went this week and she was gleaming heehee...
We went to a place called Han River Restaurant. Its a place that does table bbq - we have grilled items and steam items - cook it yourself place. i thinks its typically known as a Korean bbq. They have a whole buffet of meats, vegetables, seafoods, mostly asian , desserts, diffrent kinds of foods , fruits you name it its all there. Its an all you can eat buffet but the fun part is you get to cook it yourself .....So we were there for like an hour or more and boy did we eat ... we didnt have rice - tons of veggies meats (beef bugoti, black pepper beef & lamb) all nicely grilled on our personal grill...we ate and ate and ate lol lol .... you could have as much soft ice cream with toppings n it was all vanilla.........i know someone who loves vanilla .. heeheee ... there was traditional ice cream on sticks , yumm yumm i had a coconut flavored one ..... we had ice kacang - a local dessert which is shredded ice topped with palm sugar, rose syrup, and some other toppings like jelly, red beans, chendol anything and everything it seems .... ...it was GOOOOODDDD ..... (there goes my diet ... but come to think of it its a diet cos there we did not not rice..... just meat seafood n veggies ..oh well its only one day ... besides its a special day ....... i have an excuse *giigle*.................

inspite of it being a long day we had a nice evening none the less... every was happy especially the moms present that evening...

i guess i wont be getting any vibes or news from 'C' today since he did say that he wont be on for a while ..... ....................hmmmm

spent the later part of the night having a slumber party with my mom and cousin. we hung out in my mom's room and had a nice evening talking about a whole lot of things ... we looked back on old times -- we talked about my grandmother and her strong spirit -- what a great cook she was and the adventures he has had in her life.... being married at a young age into a big family is tough for any woman but she was tough .... go grandma! .. My mom reminnesed which is always nice. The younger generation needs to know more about their past - so much to learn and gather from ... one things for sure life then seem to be a whole lot simple and less complicated..... wouldnt it be nice to be there and re lived the life they had.. from what i hear from mom
it sounded really fun ... the holiday home on the water @ Stulang must be one of the many things our generation missed out on. The house was on water and there was a bridge that lead out to the middle of the sea .. the went swimming caught fishes and crabs.... back to nature .... ahhhh those were the days for them .. what an experience it might have been the present generation .....

election results coming in slowly ... too sickly and tired to wait so its off to la la land for me ...........

afternoon of voting, kebabs & napping....

afternoon
my mom and cousins are all here... finally. they brought some lunch but i am not eating. we are going out late for dinner so i figured id starve myself till then seeing that dinner tonight would be a bbq/steamboat dinner at Han River Restaurant. anyways... we sat together talked n they loved the kebab i made the day before yay me .. yes cooking keeps me occupied ... so the big pot i made was enough for all the people who turned up that weekend.. kebab is actually my moms recipe - its basically meatballs cooked in a tomato based sauce with spicy and i added extra hot cayenne pepper for extra kick. Aside from meatballs there are potatoes, onions, fresh tomatoes and red chillies in it .... its yummy hah ... its best eaten with bread or pita bread....

my cousin Ida was talking about my grandad about how diffrent he was from the regular guys of his time. How he doted on my grandmother - took her places and how much he adored her and his kids. Its really sweet. She said my grandad was the kind of man who would cook on weekends , take the family out, he was family man. He liked mixed with people of all faiths and cultures. I guess thats where he got a knack for cooking - he learnt it from the diffrent cultures. He would go out marketing early in the morning, sometimes go to the beach where at the time had fisherman bring in fresh catch from the sea. I actually remembered doing this with him once when i was little. He bought a whole lot of shrimp and we got home and boil it with some spices and ate them ..... ahh yes My mom and my late aunt learnt to cook a whole lot of dishes from him .. that was him .. as much as tradition taugh other men to be egotiscal culturally he went againts the norm :) Gotta love the man ...and i was his fav too .. HAH i know .. well its nice to feel special .... heeehee

yes i voted finally not much of a crowd just a whole lot of security.. i didnt decided who i wanted to vote until after i got there that too i wasnt sure.... my moms vote wasnt secret tho cos she has been voting for the same team all her life *giggles*.. that was that .... we all took an afternoon nap ...... for them it was all that food hahahah for me well a case of the flu.... again ..a brief nap to recupurate and be ready for dinner tonight ...

morning of the 6th

morning:-
Today is Singapore's general election. I still have not decided whom i am voting for. Still weighing out the pros & cons.Voting starts at 8am all over Singapore & my polling station is within walking distance. Hmmmmmmm.. whom should i vote ..whom should i vote.. I am still waiting for my mom to arrive so we can go and vote. I know who she is voting for.. heeehee .. so much for your vote is secret huh... another quiet dull morning.... someone is missing .....

spend the time cleaning - something that helps me turn off the world for a bit. Then i start at the corner and admire my work hah.. Cleanliness is godliness.. i am big on things being neat tidy & clean and i taught my two year old niece that. I thought her the words Cleanliness is Godliness .. she attempted to say it and she sounded so cute struggling with the long words...

i finally got news from 'C' last night .. finally after three days then at sometime after midnight if felt he was around again... and he was.it was brief really a few minutes and he had to go. My gut was right .. Things that i thought was right...sigh .... I miss him though and wonder where he is now and what he is doing. The few moments no matter how short was enough to tell me he is ok for now...... he said he wont be on a while ... i hope he comes back on soon and i hope he says something the next time he gets on. Keep the faith i guess tho worrying and wondering is still part of that process... He said that he wont be on for a while. I guess that comes with his work....... I hope he is keeping well now wherever he is... My mind drifts back to the time we said goodbye for the very first time.............................. sweetness in the desert wherever you are... you know you're in my mind always .....

Its my cousins birthday today too and a month after my aunts death... what a day this will be im sure .....

Make it happen!

Focused & Determined – we only wish so much but whats wishing when you’re not focused or determined to do things or make things happen. SOmetimes you dont know how to do it but what you know you apply. I have set some goals i would like to achieve within the next three months and i think if i applied this to them i can achieve it. A little motivation from people who care goes a long way… so for the next theree months the following thinsg would be on my agenda of being focused and determined and making i happen …

Get fit & healthy
http://www.43things.com/things/view/683341

Go back to school
http://www.43things.com/things/view/525823

Yoga
http://www.43things.com/things/view/48282

In a way i think these three goals are interlinked.. . mind body & spirit n dreams …... I am sure i have other things or peopl i am focused on but i shant elaborate on it …maybe later anyways … thing to do right now is focus focus focus! and never give up even when i feel that im out of it … or when things get a little overwhelming .. i dont know whats going to be thrown my way in the next few months sooooo i can only keep my fingers crossed that things will be ok and i can focus on my goals … good luck me!

See more progress on: Be Focused And Determined And Make Things Happen

Target: 5th August 2006

Time to get busy i think. Time to tone up and get healthy. What better time then now …. Target: 5th August 2006 – i should be losing 20 pounds by then… So tomorrow morning i start on my 2 step system. Kinda nervous – but everytime we start something that seems to be the case. Have to bear in mind its about getting healty and being fit – looking good is just a bonus heehee… Id like to be healty as i get older. Physically mentally emotionally & what not. i think a change in diet and lifestyle would actually help.. I dont have to give up coffee and chocolate tho well choclates only twice a mth – that i could possibly handle – so i figured best time for chocolates its during that time of month …. when you need comfort food … and coffee one cup a day – and drinking lots of water would probably help clean up my system too. So starting tomorrow, well rather later today i start doing things diffrently to achive my goal by august 5th…

1. eat more fruits & vegetables
2. drink lots of water – 1/2 litre before meals n 1/2 a litre after meals does wonders.
3. excercise – includes running ….
4. eat more grilled food.

I have my little plan pasted on my wall .. so good luck me! I think it would be cool to keep a journal on this too to see how much of a progress ive made but according to ‘c’ most importantly dont weigh or measure myself – just let the pounds shed itself and see the results when my clothes get loose… and remember that i am doing this FOR ME and not for anyone else….. :)

See more progress on: Lose 20 pounds in 3mths with 'C's 3 step system

mixed up dates

2245hours ..... i got my dates mixed up again ........... GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.. I could have sworn Mother's Day was this weekend when in actual fact its next weekend ....... *knocks head* ...... .. go figure huh my state of mind these days .... ... my shoulders are tense im soar all over i think i am close to falling apart ... ive been waking up with stiff shoulders lately and have been depending on pain killers to keep the pain away .. sometimes you have your mind working overtime and when you sleep it effects you and you wake up worried and your shoulders automatically gets tensed ... sigh thats been the case for me ... and it doesnt seem to be getting any better .....

i have been dreaming of "C' the past two nights ....... :( .... i dont know where he is. I havent heard from him thats for sure...

midweek wednesday night

....1035pm... I didnt get the chance to blog from work seeing it was an extremely busy day. Still no news from 'C'..sigh ... the whole day till now. I have a feeling in my gut that he is around but i am not really sure. maybe yes maybe no. .. it really felt like he was here .... it probably sounds out of this world but i trust my gut - we have too dont we?... I dont know why he hasnt been saying anything - i am worried still - whats a girl to do right ? i dont feel like writing now ....

Just before work midweek ...

0726am .... i have about half an hour before i leave for work... I figured id just write a little since i havent done so the past two days .. Sleep isnt always a companion ... i didnt sleep as well .. kept waking up so in the end i stopped fighting it and woke up ... Anyways, if anything i am glad April is done for. over. not exactly a month id like to remember .. ahh yes now its may - 3 days into may... trying to stay positive this month hoping for a more positive outcome in every aspect of my life. I think i am aiming to accomplish some goals too this month - so i am keeping everything crossed .... fingers toes eyes

0729am... its mid week wednesdat... ladies night whatever people call it these days. two more days and its the weekend - Mothers Day weekend (YAY) as well as the general elections - whooopie ... NOT ... its 3 weeks before the semester vacation - im not really sure if i am looking forward to it but i could use with a little break but like always i would always miss the kids. i dreamt about war last night though I am not reallly sure what my dream was about but i am pretty sure i dreamt about 'C - one of those things you can feel'.. speaking of which i havent seen him since i last talked to him on the 2nd May.. i think i may have done something wrong again by writing the blog i dont know... last we talked he was upset :( & i dont like seeing him upset ... *sigh*.. i hope he is doing ok though... when i dont see him i worry - about everything you know .... but like always prayers and hoping is all i can do until i see him again though i did send him some offlines...... now i await a respond .... i hope everythings ok .... please let it be God ...

0734am... i spent May Day with my family. My grandma was at the hospital and i hung out with her .. i am not big on hospitals and i am sure most people are not either. i saw some things that broke my heart while others warmed it ...... my niece enjoyed her visit to her great grandmother heehee... she hugged her kissed her and my grandmother was so happy to see her great granddaughter... she clapped her hands and smiled - she was like a little child .... just really sweet ... My grandmother - only one i have and sweeter than candy. My cousin told me that she offered her blanket to the patient on the next bed ... *smiles* ... . just how sweet is that .. even when she is in pain she cares about people .... she likes having people visit her ...... she likes having people around .. i guess when you household has a lot of people its only natural that this was the case...

0740am.. still about my granny .. she has multiple dementia - caused by her old age, some of the stresses in life she endured, her alzheimers and her countless falls and strokes.. She sees things that are not there, dont remember where she is and forgets people. For my grandmother her memory goes on and off.... :( .. She has been calling for my aunt who has passed away of late. I think she misses her ... i dont how the mind functions for someone with dimetia but in their own way i think they feel and yet they cant be expressive about it. i always feel that elderly people shouldnt be feeling so much pain in ther old age i suppose that is not the case. They seem more helpless and have more pain. I have heard my grandmother's cry of pain if someone accidentally hits her left hip or whenthey try to move her .. she would scream in agony - not very nice to have to watch something like that especially not when its your own grandmother... my grandmother is soft like donut dough - i love to just feel her skin ... just caresses it let her know that there are people around. i think sometimes she would get scared when there is no one around so we have to constaly remind her that we are around...... even in sickness she looks so radiant ... so pretty ... :) My grandmother's other problem is her lack of sleep. she would go without sleep two days on end and the sleep for a day. That is a cause of concern especially for someone her age. There was one nigth when she didnt sleep and talked all night .... she would talk about everything mainly a lot of things from her past...

0753am....... well i think ill pause for now. i have tons of hospital stories to write but i have to leave for work so maybe id continue during lunch well see ...... time for vitamins , more water and the fun trip to work whoopieeeeee ..............................

Saying I Love You...

I did this before i left the hospital after visiting my grandmother. She has multiple dimentia so i dont really know if she understood it when i told her that i loved her. Maybe in her own way or world she does … in spirit so to speak….. Aside from that i do tell people that i love them…Mom, family members tho i get a raised eyebrow when i do – i think they wonder hmmmmmmm whats wrong with her …. I tell my friends i love them too – a gf type thing heh heh.. It is nice telling people you love them – i do believe it makes them feel good i guess i feel the same way when people tell me they love me too …. Aside from a raised eyebrow i get a smile from my mother and grandmother too when i tell them i love them. Seeing them smile gives you that overal warm feeling. My little niece would giggle and say it back to you complete with a hug …... just how sweet is that …I think it re enforces to the people you care about that they are appreciated & loved…. There is someone else who i havent said i love you to. I have said before but i havent in a while. But i think he knows so i wonder if that counts as letting people know? I personally feel that it is crucial telling people that you love them, reminding them.. it feels like if you dont you would regret it .. I have to remind myself about that. Because you dont know what it brings. Sometimes it feels like this shouldnt even be a goal but more like a compulsary thing to do…. saying i love isnt always easy but thats when it holds its full meaning ….

See more progress on: Tell the people who i love, "I love you" more often