..............................

....................... i have done some things in my life that i have regretted and i am having to live with that everyday ... i always think if i had done things diffrently - if i hadnt said things if i didnt feel what i do then i would be feeling this way .... ........

but what can i do .. i fell inlove and yes i still love him - sigh .... sometimes it feels like it was the wrong thing to do ,,, i dont know what to make of anything but this is just one of the many things that play in my mind day in and day out ...

i would give anything - anything to have things back the way they were between us ..... and i mean anything ....... to get back the times when things were simple and uncomplicated when we had so much fun .... i dont know what to do now ......... you think things will get easier everyday but it seems to be getting tougher... you miss them more .. you wish for them more ..... in other words you want everything back the way they were ... and sometimes you wonder that its too much to ask?

the friday after...

.. ahh yes the friday after .. after all that excitement ... noon time right now ..... finished all my errands and now its time to write some ... blog what i wanted too last night heehee but i was too wired up to do anything .... soooooo now the time is now .....

.... it was a long night for me only because i didnt sleep not till like 5 or so ... i tried to relax and what not but no avail...... shower was refreshing none the less. Lord knows i would love to relax like normal people do ..... but alas that is kinda tough right now .... My thoughts were working overtime must be all that excitement in the day and the night lol ... looking at it now i am laughing - i didnt find it funny earlier ....... i was numbed out for the most part when everything finally sunk in ....... well we know what happened then ...

.. lets go back to when i was in school .....
sometimes i wonder why is it that the one person who can pick you up and make you happy is the one person that you cant get .... life huh .... its been a long week ... none the less and i was at the end of my rope .. down drained and what not ... then suddenly when i finally got a message from 'C' my spirits picked up .... felt like a burden being lifted ...... i was obviously smiling like jackass. There was a sense of relive, and if anyone could see my insides i am pretty sure they will see how happy i am ... talk about identifying things that makes you happy ..... and in a lot ways he does .... and he just managed to considering how the week was ... what can i say he has always had a way about him and he doesnt seem to be losing his touch and i hope he doesnt - ever...

- we should really look into the power of a prayer .................. its a mystery non the less one of the things that you find it hard to decipher - a mystery -how it works and what not ........

its the friday ....

morning call from mom:-
your cousin is sick . he has been having pulpatations since his birthday 2 days ago..been in a lot of pain so he cant go to the Night Safari as planned tonight. call you aunt and tell her. We planned the Night Safari trip since 3 weeks ago. We missed it the first time cos of my aunts death and now we are missing it again. My poor cousin.. he was really looking forward to it ... my cousins 12. he was born with an abnormality to his heart which kinda strip his childhood away... he cant be as active nor can he enjoy things like chocolate and what not as much as he wants. he is in a special school because of his condition but he is still the sweetest little guy tho he aggravates his 2 yr old niece half the time ..heehee. He needs surgery - so his parents are looking into it right now going from doctors to doctors. Like everything else , prayer and faith are the only things that can keep everyone going ....

lunchtime at work:-
day is about over at work. kids are packed and home bound. right now just compiling reports, going through art work. its actually time to eat but cant seem too.. no appetite... maybe ill have a cookie...staff meeting in an hour ... yay .. not .. was a good week in school all in all tho i was absent for 2 days... i had missing work ... grrrrr... ...anyways.......still no news from "c". would be three days today i dont know what is going on. I have sent tons of offlines but still nothing from him. i sent another message this lunchtime but still nothing. He is working. i just hope i get some kind of respond form him later. i think ill email him too. i am worried been worried .. sigh .. right now its anticipation and all sorts of things going through my mind .....

when the rain falls ... the downpour follows non stop ....

Glad Thursday is finally over...

been an emotional roller coaster ride since this morning. Had to keep it together . phone calls at work are not my cup of tea especially it is bearer of bad news. My grandmother was admitted to the hospital again this morning. She was unconscious. My mom tried to wake her up this morning and but to no avail . Gramdma would usually be asking or making some noise in the am but not today..... ambulance was called and she was transported to the hospital. They were afraid it might be a stroke again - not good for someone her age and she has had her share of 3 strokes in the pass three years or so... so that brought some anxiety to the day ... next call came and i was told her blood pressure shot up to 220 .. again not a good sign .... This is her second hospital visit in the last week or so .... first was for a hip fracture ... poor grandma :( .. its heartbreaking .. .. so it was an emotionally charged day.. when the call finally came at about 4pm everything seem calm. My grandmother came out of her unconcious state and is stable.. the 'aftershocks' of the mornings events kinda stuck... right now is all about prayers for her ...

i havent heard from 'C' since yesterday ... my mind has been wondering about that too... trying to think positive ... praying & hoping too. sometimes i feel he is around ... sometimes i just dont know.. i am relying much on my instict these days ... i just hope i hear from him soon .. i miss him and there is so much i need to say but sometimes i feel i should not ... ...... i miss him ... ..

my moms cousin called me too today .... she didnt sound happy .. worrying about my grandma (her late moms sister)... my grandma asked for her .. my aunt is weak too having had surgery a month ago to remove her fibroids..... she cried ... i think everythings a little overwhelming for the whole family .... she mentioned about how hard it was to lose a mother ..... she talked ... all i could do was listen ...

mom called yesterday to say how in pain my grandma was ... i could imagine how she sounded having witnessed it myself when i was there a few weeks ago ...

i am glad thursdays over.. infact i want this whole month to be over asap .....sometimes there are months you just wish you could forget ...... .. what a month april was ...

this is the time we all need faith ... lots of it .. ..

Six Months through it all ..

.....six months ago - on this date i met someone online who would change my life forever... My pespectives, my personal well being. He opened me to a world i never thought existed. He opened his heart his life his soul. in him i found the man that i thought only existed in my dreams.... Why we met and why things transpired after that i will never know but one thing i do know that things would never be the same again at least according to him ...

on an early october morning of the 25th i received a message from a soldier in iraq.... little did i know how much of a transformation my life was going to take..... Never have i met a man with such sensitivity, someone who can pick up , one who sees me , reads me, feels me ... A man whose tough exterior gives way to a sweet sensitive gentle interior ...

i would liken my connection to him like someones experience with a spacepen and i am quoting him on the spacepen experience. that once you have used it no other pen would do and i would say in him i found everything and no one would even come close as dramatic as that may sound.......... crazy i know especially when its someone you have never met ..... This is one of lifes little mysteries....

there is so much to write but i am a little out of it .. you have a zillion things going through your mind and you really dont know what to tackle first... you have questions, your have your emotions going into a million diffrent directions.. sometimes its zombie like sometimes it numbs you ....

i know i miss him everyday .. what short time i get to talk to him i am very thankful for... its like better to have that short a time than none at all ... soon it seems that would be it and i am dreading it .... i am happy when he gets back in the next few weeks or so - he would get the chance to do what he has been planning , be with his family and friends and what not and of course safe too .. then he faces the challenges that comes with that and i can only pray for him from a distance .......

i wrote entry on the things i miss about and its always the little things that makes up the bulk of it .. I figured i would just include it here since i never posted that entry .... i miss his voice.. the first time i heard i was giggly like a school good. he sounded so good .. sexy southern accent.. i didnt get that much of a chance probably because of the connection but the one time he recorded his voice that stays fresh in my mind.. Some things that i miss may seem silly but its means something .. tucking him in at night, role playing which we both enjoy doing, i remembered when he took me on a little 'trip' to places i have always wanted to go how real how magical he made it to be ... i miss his tenderness - how sweet ,'soft spoken' he was .. he pays attention to details and he takes that extra effort to make the moment special.. i miss the little things that he does...

i miss the dots, the circles (our little secret).... i miss him sharing his day .. opening up to me how he is feeling how things were in the day .. the stories he usually shares about his day .... something i look forward too everyday. i miss the pictures that he shares and the story each picture told. i miss pictures of sunsets i miss pictures of him though i have a lot of it .. its just nice to see him his diffrent looks and expressions .. his smile ... i miss his smile so much ..... sweetness in the desert ... i also miss his xoxo - his signature hugs & kisses. I miss sharing music with him ....I miss his no reason emails . i miss being he looks forward to talking to everyday and most of all i miss being his best friend... i miss him calling me sugar honey makes me feel good really ... ... i just miss having him around alot of the time ... selfish i know but he has a way about him ..

we chat on yahoo... i miss the knock on yahoo showing that he is online. i miss seing his name on my messenger and the messages he has next to his id ..... i miss being on his messenger. for someone who dont understand it it may all seem like no big deal but it is for me .... i look forward to talking to him everyday seeing him online but these days i dont know if he is there or not. i just rely on my guts i guess. I wish he would look for me sometime and message me ... i miss talking to him for hours everyday - i have had the time of my life with him ....

i have said before and i will say it again .. it is always the little things ....

with the turn that everything took i blame my self for all thats happened between us .. i guess i will have to pay for it for the rest of my life... i know that inspite of all thats happened ... the exchanges & what not nothings changed in my heart i love him no doubt about that .. My mind is always filled with thoughts and images of him... sometimes i picture in after a day in the field all dusty - thanks to the dessert sand ... just walking looking all rugged... these little images makes me smile ... at least i have these ltitle things to hold on too.. because at this point i dont know much and i seriously dont know what to do ...

sometimes it seems what you really know , what you believe is really what is in your heart... the love the emotions ...................... these days everyday is a constant wondering .... wonder wonder wonder ....

...430pm

...Today is wishing day for me .. with dark clouds rolling outside, rain pouring in abundance i sit and think and make wishes.. My thoughts travel to someone who means the world to me ....... my thoughts go to my grandmother who is laying in her bed immobile and in pain .... to my mom who has to deal with a mother who is not doing well and her own personal loss..... to my cousin who is going through the loss of a parent ..... i sit here and question the events that have transpired in the last few weeks and wonder what is coming within the next ... i sit and make wishes in my heart in my mind .. hoping and wishing hard ... things havent been the way they were in recent weeks and i sometimes you feel that sense of loss creep into you ..... i miss so many people in my life right now and i could live it all over again i would ... .. i feel lost ... my sprit is flying but it doesnt seem to have anything to grab hold on ..... . it flies with the wind with all its secrets, its desires over the atmosphere without the ability to stop .......

I wonder who hears these wishes .. the angels , the universe, God... the angels who been sent to watch over my grandma, my mother, my cousin and the man who means everything to me ...who i have obviously scared of.. one i will miss when he returns home within the next few weeks .... sometimes you dont know how much loss you can take but then you look at how people lose whole families in the blink of an eye .. it makes you think .. is it the same ? should we put our own grievences aside and think about what others have to go through? people we dont know? That usually gives us strength but then it gets overwhelming for us personally ... i dont know. Life poses a list of unanswered questions for me these days..... You think little children ask too many questions ..... look at us adults... it seems that questioning things is a never ending quest.... why why why ... :) ... how cool is the mind - where a wishing day turn into a day of rambling and wonder... welcome to my mind ...

photocredits:www.virginialee.net

Love Across Borders

This is a Valentine's Day article that teaches one about love. It is truly heartwarming and makes one to stop and think about the many aspects of love that it is not always a straight path it encompasses a lot more. It gave me hope - re enforced everything i have ever believed in about falling in love that it knows no boundaries - distance, race, religion, sexual orientation. I am posting this article here because I believe that there are others out there who need to know that they are not alone, that falling in love with someone of a diffrent faith, race, sexual orientation and what not is nothing new. The message is clear which is having faith and believeing in who you believe in. My chance or the lack there of may have passed but i hope for others it opens up that little window of hope of not giving up ... :) enjoy ...

Celebrate the amazing human ability to Love Across Borders …

In the midst of the candy hearts and rose petals of Valentine’s Day, I’d like to celebrate a kind of love that we don’t often think about. It is the kind that is difficult, painful and heartbreaking, and yet shows the amazing human ability to love across borders and against all odds.

Let me share with you three stories from around me. The first is about a devout Muslim girl who went out into the world to pursue her studies, but never came home. Why? Because she fell in love with an equally spiritual and sensitive young man, but who was studying at a divinity school to become an evangelical priest. She knew that if her parents ever found out, her father would should her, and her mother would bury her. It has been almost 10 years, and her love is still a secret from her family. She has not dared to come home.

The second story is that of an old friend who had a string of boyfriends who could never move her to real passion. One day she found someone who could actually make her lose her mind with lovesickness. But, to the surprise of all of us, and her own especially, this was another woman. The two hid their love from their families for a few years, but one day it came out. When that happened, there were tears, screams and accusations. Mothers drew knives and held them to their daughter’s necks. So this friend also escaped from her family and home.

The third story is about a male friend who fell head over heels in love with a woman whom he found perfect in every way. Except that she was HIV-positive from an infected needle used during a medical procedure. She was not ill by all appearances, but we all understood that her time on earth was limited. However, this did not matter to my friend, who literally chose death each time her kissed her. Again, their relationship has to be kept a secret.

I don’t want to get into a debate about religion or gay rights. I can only speak as a person who has ever fallen in love and lost. And to find that special someone who fills your life- whatever his or her calling, belief, gender, or time limit – is a rare and precious thing.

The problem is not that these friends do not love each other enough, but that there is too much ignorance and intolerance around for them to exercise their freedom to love whom they choose. And as a friend, I miss them and wish they were close to me, where I can watch over them and make sure that they are emotionally well.

So for this Valentine’s Day, I wish all of you who are lucky enough to love someone, the blessing of being able to do so freely and fully. And if you have the good fortune of being in a loving relationship, perhaps you could do something to break down prejudices and stereotypes, to allow others to enjoy the same experience.

Happy Valentine’s Day, in the truest sense.



Source: Shape Magazine February 2006 issue

Identifying what makes me happy ...

It just hit me today that to be happy we should be able to identify the things that makes us happy … hence the goal identifying the 100 things that makes you happy besides money goal here on the site. So i am re adopting my goal (Be Happy) cos i do want to be happy – be that free spirited person who went into hiding when life threw her some suprises .. :P and try to find 100 things or more that makes me happy i am pretty sure this shouldnt be a difficult task.. :) good luck me!

See more progress on: be happy

Have your cake n eat it too ..

The reason i adopted this goal is probably because my mother is in the cake making business. She makes all sorts of cakes forbirthdays, weddings, anniversaries and what not. I have been prompted to take over her business tho my passion is more towards teaching but you never know. I have helped her in decorating cakes and i actually like it. Its fun to design and decorate cakes. I wish i had more skills tho so i may just take up a class – one of those classes where they teach you the basics of cake making, the types of cakes, the type of icings they have etc etc … I have seen books at Borders but nothing beats watching the process hands on. SO you never know i could just have my cake and eat it too – teaching little children and making cakes. What a combination!

See more progress on: Take a cake decorating class

Wishing on Stars

i wish on stars a lot. sometimes when i am outside and see a real bright star i would just make a wish.While i am at home – knowing that there are a million stars out there you cant help but make more wishes.It gives you a kind of hope and letting you know you are not alone .. and if you believe in your wishes and the stars you wish – you wishes can come true ….
sometimes when on a day you get overwhelmed wishing on a star helps .. i really dont know what it is but it gives you a sense of wonder a sense of peace when you do .. like you know you have gotten your message across to the universe that you want something, that you need help in something, maybe a wish that would help someone feel better … anything .. bottom line is that you have made a request to the universe … wish hard and sincerely …

See more progress on: wish on stars, hunt four leaf clovers, and chase rainbows

monday.. 2 mins pass midnight

monday - 2 mins past midnight. today was a long day. mentally and physically. My dinner with mom was cancelled cos of news about my grandma. really killed the mood not forgetting the appetite. I think i am questioning faith again. Why does my grandma has to endure so much? she is 88 years old and the sweetest lady around. I wish she didnt feel so much pain. I know my grandmother - having to be in bed for 3 mths is going to aggravate her even further and when she gets aggravated she gets stressed out which she doesnt need.... i did some chores, went out for a little bit, finally got my glasses done, and hung out with my mom. she is leaving tomorrow :( .. going back to my grandma's seeing how my grandma is my mom is worried - i hope she doesnt worry too much she is not doing very well either....... i think the whole family is going through a lot right now .. but we are keeping strong face everyday that comes with courage.... I hope and pray that my grandma gets well soon and the pain wont be so much for her to bear. One thing tho inspite of what she is going through - she is cheerful laughing and talking.... something i think she has passed down to her granchildren. Her ability to smile through adversity, pain and the fighting spirit that knows no end or consequence. Her years of being indepentant has paid off in her later years - she still wants to do things on her own, even when others tell her not too. She got this way (the cracked hip) because she didnt want to listen to them when tell her to walk on her own, use a walking stick or a wheelchair.. I think they have to understand her spirit - how it keeps fighting to be able to do things on her own. She has been independent since my grandfather passed on not having to depend on anyone, she ran a whole household, cooked and what not for the family and not being to do that now must be really hard on her going from being active to immobile and having to depend on people. She is frustrated sometimes having to depend on the help for a lot of the things she usually did... I hope and pray that she gets all better in less than three months cos knowing my grandma she is not going to be too thrilled about being in bed for recovery during that duration of time .....

saved memories...

Pictures tells a lot. I use to take tons of pictures when i was growing up – a cupboard is dedicated to all the pictures i have taken my whole life and much from the family starting from the early years of my grandparents, pictures of my mom when she was young and pictures of a dozen other people whom i dont know. When my mom was growing up my grandad got a photographer to come over so the ladies of the household could have their pics taken in diffrent outfits (it was a conservative society then) Pictures brings back memories that we sometimes forget , captures a moment we want to cherish. remembrance of someone who have left us. I never realized, not till this extend how important it was until recently. I didnt realize i didnt have that many pictures of my late aunts especially during functions and festivals nor do i have any of the family and grandma mom ( you get the picture).. so i have decided to take more pictures be it at festivals, weddings, birthdays, just any ole function or just about everyday things like watching tv, sleeping, cooking, sitting around the patio or the living room just to name few, so my family will have something to look at and remeneise(sp?) over.. Start clicking .. :D

See more progress on: Take more pictures

Ramblings @ 4am ...

....... when the rain falls the downpour doesnt stop, just like life & its little suprises good or bad ... i could say that for the things that have taken place and are currently ongoing.....

.........4am on an early Friday morning. i hear my neighbours getting up - getting ready for work or school.. Me i havent been to bed at all. I cant sleep. I wish i could cos i would like some rest. I have to be up in 4 hours .. School starts at 930 thank god for that or else id be one sleepy teacher more sleepier than the kids i think ... I think tonight i am just afraid to sleep for reasons that could make your hair stand on end and there are of course other reasons that come into play. Seeing i cant sleep i laid in bed attempting to sleep but to no avail - even staring at the ceiling is no fun. When you are restless nothing seems to be worth the effort. i lit candles so the room has a nice feel to it .... romantic , relaxing ... inspiring ... Sleep is not exactly a friend these days .. ive been known to stay up late but i do have my days of actually sleeping early. These days i just dont know. Anyways i had some random thoughts playing in my mind figured id just post them down ......

• pictures hold so much memories. They tell a dozen stories. They trigger an emotion, a memory & the craving that comes with that is overwhelming. You do miss the times that the stories tell. When i look at the picture of 'C' i see someone whom i miss dearly when things were as complicated when it was alright. I miss those times as i miss him everyday seeing the hour of seperation is closing in ....
• i need to sleep but i am too wired to do so... 4am n still functioning but thank god its friday. hopefully i can catch up with some sleep. I suprise myself at my ability to function the next day.. maybe i am a freak tho i know some people who would agree with me here....
• when your left eye twitches it means you are going to cry according to some superstitious beliefs - i think for some its a tried and tested experience as in when your right hand twitches means you are going to get money - its an Asian thing. We are a diversed society with a whole lot of beliefs which i must say life pretty interesting living where i am - even though we are a pretty modern society much of its tradition are being kept alive - you have to know your roots yes? .......
• I am giggling right now over my 2 yr old niece's fear of bananas. Its just the cutest little thing well then again it so fits her she is the cutest little thing...After finding out about my niece's fear of bananas i am thinking bananas in pyjamas would not appeal to her. Its probably normal for kids to have phobias for bananas but it struly something new to me. Never in a million years would i think a child to be afraid of it. my 2 year old niece seems to be .. she would run away and hide when someone is eating a banana and taunts her with it .... She has covered her face and ran away from the scent of bananas ... yet she loves banana fritters .. just how cute is that ..
• Chocolate fudge sundaes, ben & jerrys brownie fudge ice cream, Lindt intense orange dark chocolate with almond & orange zest bits , vanilla ice cream with caramel sauce, rich french vanilla ice cream, haagen daaz macadamanian (however u spell it) nut brittle ......hahha i am craving for them lolol .. and lord knows it would do wonders to my hips hahahaha but i dont care .. note to self: self indulgence is not a sin ... heehee..

prayers & miracles

I am not sure if my aunts death can be counted as a miracle or an answer to the pleas for a miracle. I dont know or understand alot of things these days. Things dont make sense and they leave you with a whole lot of questions. I did ask that her pain & suffering was taken away i just didnt think that it was through death. I figured some miracuolous cure or what not. I remembered clearly on the day that she died how i asked that her pain be taken away or for God to make her feel comfortable and later that day she passed away. Miracle? I am not really sure .. i know she is in a better place now free from all the pain and suffering so that is enough to make me feel better. Miracles.. I hope the miracle giver is back from vacation or is at least considering the ongoings in my life right now. I could use with some help.Each day passes it seems to get tougher or closer to unforeseen things. I could use with some sense of hope, a little ray of light… they say that prayer brings about miracles and maybe they do but i have yet to see that one…

See more progress on: Have a miracle happen

Butterflies are free

Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away

And I'm left to carry on and wonder why

Even through it all, I'm always on your side

If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away

Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why

Was it you that kept me wondering through this life

When you know that I was always on your side

Credits:-

Some of my favorite lines from the song Always on your side by Sheryl Crow & Sting. I love the song .. its something that i can really relate too...Take a listen its worth it.

All Grooved Out ........

.... not really all grooved out but i did write and write and write today.. FINALLY!!!!!!! .... It felt good to sit and write for a good three hours.. eeverything just flowed - i feel victorious for the moment. My journals all nice n worn - writing- sheer bliss... I finished a poem i started about a week or so ago and finished a new one. Inspirations got to love them and for the person who has helped me in trying to get my groove back i am thankful. Please Lord let the person who has inspired me how thankful i am and let them know that they are always an inspiration in whatever situation we seem to be in ...... :) .. My little cosy corner at Stabucks did wonders me especially when i set my mind to it ... To go there sit and write.. So i made the trip after work and boy was i glad i did ... :) ....:) .. so i am all smiles for the most part ... tho the emotions was on overdrive.. Thank you Goddess of creativity for leading me to that source ... silly i know ... but thats just me.. I posted this post earlier on....... now its 240am tuesday april 18th ... i obviously cannot sleep .. icky feeling .. i hope i dont get sick this week i cant afford to miss work this week or any other week for that matter. Way too much paperwork to catch up and with the kids evaluation coming up being present and watching their progress is crucial. I feel sorry for little kids that needs to be evaluated .... Lord knows i hated it when i was in school heehe.. I am counting the days to my vacation end of May but i am not looking forward to what is to follow.. sigh ..... anyways .... i think i am going to go start on a new entry .... :)

Do you believe .....

Do you believe in miracles?

That prayer & having faith brings about miracles?
Do you believe in shooting stars & four leaf clovers?
Stardust & moon beams?
Do you believe that when you see a shooting star
your entitled to have your wishes come true…..
that when you send a message with the wind
it takes it to the one you love..
that four leaf clovers bring you luck
that a treasure chest lies at the end of the rainbow ...
when you keep your wish a secret it will come true?
Do you believe in the tooth fairy & elves ..

That meditation calms a soul in turmoil?
That an angel watches over you .. guiding you
Do you believe in the power of a prayer – that it will be answered ....

Do you believe in magic and worlds beyond your own?

Do you believe in fairy tales & Santa claus

the easter bunny too ....

in ghouls and goblins and witches and warlocks

Do you believe in dreams that a hold a special message just for you?

Do you believe in the unknown & the possibilities?

Do you believe it all with all your heart?

will you ever believe?

©me.iffa.april17th06

photocredits:-lizsanders

the writing groove goes missing again ........

i think my writing groove went on an easter egg hunt either that or they are on strike - i am probably over worked them some point in time .. . .... i seem to have lost it again .... grrrrrrgrrrrr... oh well... i still have my thoughts on the bits and pieces of paper ... that should do it for now .. ....anyways ... Happy Easter ... maybe id go lay down n stare at the ceiling n maybe some inspiration would come my way .... .... crossing my fingers , eyes and toes ... Hey creativity Goddess send some inspiration my way please , please yours truly .. me :)

welcome back my writing groove..

..... i think i got my groove back ... writing groove that is .. i was experiencing some major dry spells these past 3 few days until late last night rather early this morning when talking to 'C' ... while we were talking i noticed i was getting inspired and i quickly jotted down what i was thinking and what was inspiring me .. Obviously he was in every way ... :) Yay!... .... Now the ideas are flowing like water .. i was too tired to write a full journal entry early this morning so you can imagine the kind of dreams i was having though i dont remember them now except i was in a battle zone hahahah .... .. but anyways i needed sometime rather something or someone to trigger the inspirational flow and i have C to thank for that. Things people say tend to trigger your thoughts and its not even a bad thing .. It flowed all day and i jotted down my thoughts all day with whatever i could find at the time - stick it pad, a rough piece of paper, a receipt and even my cell phone .. heehee... Now my task at hand is to compile everything ... which i am all for right after i watch the simpsons which starts in 5 mins so i am off for now.... welcome back my writing groove .... good to have you back ..... :) .....

A Random Tribute to Zahara...

Zahara

Flower Beauty Star .. those words describe my beautiful ati zara as she is affectionately known to us. She was fair like snow a real beauty if you asked me. She takes after my grandmother and was my grandmothers favorite daughter too. She doesnt talk much , quiet, always in the background kept to herself. She was a gentle soul like most women were yet strong willed. The fighting spirit of the women in the family. ran through her veins as she battled cancer she kept fighting and fighting until it was time for her to go .. Her name is Zahara .. in Arabic that means flower, beauty ,star - the meaining that suits her so well .. A second child in a family of seven siblings , she was loved by all who knew her. She never knew how to fight back . Her life was .... full ... she gave she prayed. she was a good person never bothered anyone never hurt anyone. that was her.special. in her own little world. in her own little way. that was her life a good clean life.... She was dutiful wife. A wonderful mother. There is so much to remeber about her and as days go by memories come flooding back .... I remember her love for chocolates especially the ones with honeycomb in the middle i remember her early morning calls to my mom which waked the whole household up i remember her voice when she call out to us to do something for her.. I remember he love for shopping and when she would asked me to check things out for her here in Singapore - she lives in malaysia. i remeber what a morning person she was up at 430 and early to bed too at 930 i remember her battle with cancer trying out modern & traditional medicinei remember what a fighter she was in combating cancer i remember her enthusiasm when her daugther turned 40 & we were organzing a party. i remember the calls she made to my mom - joining in the excitement.i remember the last time i saw her ... at my cousins 40th pretty as a picture .. .. It is hard to believe that she is gone.. I sometimes hear her .. see images of her .. She stayed with me and mom for a while while getting medical treatment here ... images of those times fresh in my mind ... as i walk around the house. My mothers sister. Confidant.best friend. my ati zahra.it all seems so surreal.... I wish i had seen her before she died but from what i was told her death was quick and peaceful. It was as if she was ready to go.. Now all her pain is gone ... she looked beautiful .. peaceful at the funeral .. at ease .... as she lay there.. may she rest in peace & may God bless her soul ..

photocredits:- Igor Levashov

Rose in the Wind

‘Take me with you with the wind’

Rose in the wind … an anthem for me personally. All this love, being in love with someone who will be away from me sometime soon – going home. That is the reality of life as much as it is a bitter pill to swallow. Just a few months ago, talk of the going home never arose but in recent weeks it has been something that is being thought about… No solution as to what should we do for I am the one who loves him. The one so in love with him … If I could I would fly away to him to be where he is as dramatic as that may sound. I have always been a rose in the wind – even when we met. I was somewhat grounded for a little while until now…. Ready to be that rose who would be floating in the wind once more ..

‘Forgive me for loving you ..but this Love is stronger than all barriers put together’

Love conquers all none the less. The solver of problems.. The cure of all ills. In loving someone you put aside differences, distance, time & space but yet...... Love hurts none the less when you love someone so much yet .....

I was born at daybreak to the road I did take

Trembling as the ground shakes under my feet

Cracked in the stone heat

Never ending motion way across the ocean

Into your devotion long have I gone

So far from my home

What to do with this love that I’m in?

I have given you all of my soul

Flying all my life like a rose in the wind

Tell me why I am always alone

On my way home

Dreaming always begin find a door that’s opening

Something there is shining the light in your eyes

When you were all mine

All alone as I wake moving in a new place

Shivering as I trace a road of my own

Cut by the deep coldWhat to do with this love that I’m in?

I have given you all of my soul

Flying all my life like a rose in the wind

Tell me why I am always alone

Hang on to me tight, and a rose in the wind

Will be with you wherever you go

All the way back home

Can I take you back there? drifting on the warm air

Say you’ll follow anywhere all of our nights

Into the jade skiesI’ll be true to you flying over the moonLying in the bamboo

I’ll always know

The light in the window

What to do with this love that I’m in?

I have given you all of my soul

Flying all my life like a rose in the wind

Tell me why I am always alone……….


‘Take me with you with the wind’



credits:
song:Anggun
Painting: benini